Tuesday, December 08, 2009

I Want {Another} One!!!!!!!

**WARNING: This post is of a very personal nature.....proceed with caution!**

Call me biased, but I think my children are ADORABLE! They are SO precious, sweet, loving, smart, innocent, and overall amazing. They bring so much more to my life than I ever could have dreamed. I love them more than anything in this world...or any other world, for that matter. But sometimes I feel I'm not enough. They are such incredible children; they deserve an incredible mother - one who can spend ample one-on-one time with each of them individually, while enriching their lives with educational and recreational activities (ie school, field trips, sports, music lessons, dance lessons, etc.), yet ensuring adequate 'down time', while maintaining an immaculate home, cooking healthy (and, if possible, gourmet) meals from scratch every day, keeping them clean, fed, and dressed, and being unfailingly patient and loving with their every new phase/stage. I fall short in so many ways, every day! I feel so inadequate, and sometimes even feel "over my head", that I can't meet the needs of 3 children.

And yet, I want more! I see expectant women and I long for the flutterings of a tiny baby inside my womb. I see women with tiny newborns, and my arms ache for a sweet, tiny one to hold. I watch mothers carry their tiny bundles around and my arms feel empty. Then I watch Wiggles empty every shelf and cupboard in our house for the bazillionth time that day, hear Grins and Angel yelling at each other, and wonder what I'm thinking.

Where is the line between taking a leap of faith/stretching to become more, and over-extending yourself, or just plain irresponsibility? Or between older siblings learning responsibility through caring for younger children, versus having to sacrifice their own childhood for the sake of the family. And why is it such a fine line? I've heard childbearing compared to having just a few moments in a jewelry store - that, if given 5 minutes, wouldn't you run in and grab as much jewelry as you could possibly carry? But then I think, if you're just grabbing so fast that you aren't stopping to notice which jewelry is most valuable, or if you end up getting more than you could ever wear or use, wouldn't it have been better just to take your time and select a few choice pieces?

I realize there are women who are unable to have as many children as they would like...or even any at all. On the other hand, there are women who have more children than they would have chosen....and isn't that equally difficult?

Anyhow, I'm rambling now. I just have a very difficult time discerning when my desires for children stem from my innate "womanly instincts" to nurture or from something far greater, and are a 'whispering' from the Lord. This is just something I've faced from the moment I was married, and, though it's been more than 8 years, I have yet to make sense of it all. Sigh. I suppose I shall face this same dilemma until mother nature takes its toll and it is no longer up to me to decide. Until then, thoughts, anyone?

***DISCLAIMER: I don't mean to offend; I am a strong believer that the bearing and rearing of children is a very private and personal decision between a husband and wife and God. I don't think anyone should ever judge another for the number of children they have, large or small, whether it is the couples' choice or not.


Timani said...

First, I will say the expectations you've placed on yourself are unreal to live up to. Heavenly Father doesn't want you to be all those things at the same time. Even though all those things are wonderful qualities...are they supposed to be yours?

A couple years after my 5th I became really ill for months and needed a walker or cane to get around. A wise friend (one of my children's teachers whose kids were all grown) told me that kids are resilient and they need the basics to be successful. So I say to you...simplify and know that you are amazing! Just the fact that you are worried about providing your children with the very best shows your love.

About children...I understand. I used to feel that it took me FOREVER to get pregnant, but the reality is 9 months isn't long at all!

I'll tell you what I did..."just whenever" I feel, "if it happens, I can handle it" and I never had to worry about when or how I was going to do it, etc. I knew if it happened I could handle it.

I've also learned if we think we are over our head we generally get pushed further than thought bearable. Five was good for me. Six was great. The twins news sent me into hysterics (and not the laughing kind) I didn't know how I was going to do it. Know what, even with my current situation I would do it all over again!!!! I can't imagine not one of my children being mine.

Becca Jane said...

I LOVED this post. I have been baby hungry since the moment Allie was born. The feeling has only gotten stronger. I'm scared to death, but at the same time, I feel that if it's God's will, then He will provide me the strength and ability. Lots of praying about this one!! Who knows, maybe we will be prego buddies!! :)

Amy said...

Thanks for the insightful post. I truly do believe that the fact that you want to be all those things that make you a "good" mother already tells me that you are a good mother. In that same vein, the fact that you are afraid of balance probably means you will let your kids be kids, have the number of babies that is just right for your family, and be sensitive to the will of the Lord. What a great family you have and a great future to look forward to!

Belnap's said...

I just love ya! I think you put into words what so many women feel at times. you are just so awesome. I'm glad we've become friends!!!!

Mary said...

I think your children are so adorable too! :)
I so enjoyed reading this post and it reminded me of Sis. Beck's beautiful 'Mother's Who Know' talk and a mother's desire to bring children to the world. Each little one is such a gift and I can't think of anything our Father wants to guide us in more than in our stewardship as a mother/parents over our little ones and families. I'm sure he will do so with you! Good luck and hope you're having a Merry Christmas season!