I Want One!!!!!!!

**WARNING: This post is of a very personal nature.....proceed with caution!**

Call me biased, but I think my children are ADORABLE! They are SO precious, sweet, loving, smart, innocent, and overall amazing. They bring so much more to my life than I ever could have dreamed. I love them more than anything in this world...or any other world, for that matter. But sometimes I feel I'm not enough. They are such incredible children; they deserve an incredible mother - one who can spend ample one-on-one time with each of them individually, while enriching their lives with educational and recreational activities (ie school, field trips, sports, music lessons, dance lessons, etc.), yet ensuring adequate 'down time', while maintaining an immaculate home, cooking healthy (and, if possible, gourmet) meals from scratch every day, keeping them clean, fed, and dressed, and being unfailingly patient and loving with their every new phase/stage. I fall short in so many ways, every day! I feel so inadequate, and sometimes even feel "over my head", that I can't meet the needs of 3 children.

And yet, I want more! I see expectant women and I long for the flutterings of a tiny baby inside my womb. I see women with tiny newborns, and my arms ache for a sweet, tiny one to hold. I watch mothers carry their tiny bundles around and my arms feel empty. Then I watch Wiggles empty every shelf and cupboard in our house for the bazillionth time that day, hear Grins and Angel yelling at each other, and wonder what I'm thinking.

Where is the line between taking a leap of faith/stretching to become more, and over-extending yourself, or just plain irresponsibility? Or between older siblings learning responsibility through caring for younger children, versus having to sacrifice their own childhood for the sake of the family. And why is it such a fine line? I've heard childbearing compared to having just a few moments in a jewelry store - that, if given 5 minutes, wouldn't you run in and grab as much jewelry as you could possibly carry? But then I think, if you're just grabbing so fast that you aren't stopping to notice which jewelry is most valuable, or if you end up getting more than you could ever wear or use, wouldn't it have been better just to take your time and select a few choice pieces?

I realize there are women who are unable to have as many children as they would like...or even any at all. On the other hand, there are women who have more children than they would have chosen....and isn't that equally difficult?

Anyhow, I'm rambling now. I just have a very difficult time discerning when my desires for children stem from my innate "womanly instincts" to nurture or from something far greater, and are a 'whispering' from the Lord. This is just something I've faced from the moment I was married, and, though it's been more than 8 years, I have yet to make sense of it all. Sigh. I suppose I shall face this same dilemma until mother nature takes its toll and it is no longer up to me to decide. Until then, thoughts, anyone?



***DISCLAIMER: I don't mean to offend; I am a strong believer that the bearing and rearing of children is a very private and personal decision between a husband and wife and God. I don't think anyone should ever judge another for the number of children they have, large or small, whether it is the couples' choice or not.

Captivated Candids Giveaway

If you're into giveaways, you'll definitely want to check out the one going on right now Here! Probably the biggest giveaway I've ever seen! If you don't want to enter, no problem, but if you do, make sure you drop my name too! :) Maybe I'll split my winnings with you! :)

My Current Math Problem

Wiggles cutting molars (and screaming all night) +
Angel's stomach flu +
Grins' pent up energy (due to weather too cold to take sick kids out) MINUS the Mr. for 10 days
_______________________
A slightly frazzled, sleep-deprived, less-than-patient Mommy who still loves her children more than life but appreciates her husband more than ever!

COME HOME SOON, MY LOVE!!!! I know when you're here, you aren't "here" very much, but we'll take whatever we can get! We love and miss you!

Love, Us

Our American Express Christmas

Fortunately for us, we budgeted $300 for Christmas this year. Unfortunately for us, that's not really gonna cut it due to several unexpected expenses which just happened to pop up:

$1035 - The kids medical bills (medicine, equipment and visits) over the last month (several trips to the pediatrician, no insurance)
$311 - Jon's Dr. bill
$115 - 2 new tires
$110 - an unexpected cell phone bill
$25 - fee for not having cash at a toll booth in San Francisco
$15 - fee for somehow losing a CD we borrowed from the library
Knowing (hoping!) that this is the LAST year we'll be living on an income of $0.............priceless!

***Please do not take this as a complanatory post...while all the facts are, sadly, true, we find that making light of our destitute situation actually makes us laugh, and offers us hope for a brighter financial future..... :)

Update....

Today as I was helping the children with their journals, I decided that if I'm encouraging them to write in their journals every Sunday, I should be writing in mine at least once a week out of principle! So, I'll try to be more regular in my posts. It may be boring but C'est la vie!

This week was fantastic, fun-filled, and super busy! We began with my family coming into town, immediately followed by a luau for our sweet little Wiggles - SO much fun to catch up with some "old" friends and family we haven't seen in ages! That was followed by a trip to the zoo, Thanksgiving with both sides of the family, Black Friday shopping, a visit to This Is The Place for their Candlelight Christmas (Wiggles was TERRIFIED of Father Christmas as you can see in the pic), a Lia Sophia party, dinner with some good friends, and now it's off to New England for the Mr.

This week's highlight: Today at church, I taught our Primary Sharing Time about "preparing to be Moms and Dads". We discussed how, even though "we" (meaning the children) may be young, and being a mom or dad seems so far away, there are so many things we can do right now to prepare - such as developing our own testimonies, learning how to share, forgive, help, teach, etc. and so on. One of the scenarios we discussed went something like "Your baby sister wants your mom to hold her but your mom is making dinner. What could you do to practice being helpful?" This evening, as we were eating dinner, Wiggles was throwing a fit, wanting me to hold her. I said "Girl, can you give me 5 minutes to eat please?" Angel immediately excused herself from the table, took Wiggles into the living room and entertained her while I finished eating. Such a small act but it meant so much to me that 1) she was so eager and willing to help and 2) she had actually been listening in primary and was trying to implement what she had learned. :) She is SUCH a little sweetheart! I love that girl!

Tracy Aviary

Earlier this month, we took a little trip to the Tracy Aviary (or, as Grins call is, "the "Univa" - that V word where the birds live"). Although it was quite chilly, we enjoyed ourselves immensely! The kids just could not get enough of the birds! We were even lucky enough to watch the pelicans eat, which was incredible! And, though I enjoy bird-watching, I was having fun just watching my little kiddos! I love their enthusiasm and love of living creatures!

Thank You.....

Some kind-hearted soul anonymously left a plate of scrumptious banana muffins on our door earlier this week. Since I was still 'cleansing', I enjoyed them vicariously as my children eagerly scarfed them down. They looked and smelled heavenly! I questioned various friends and neighbors as to who our 'muffin donor' was, but have been unable to track our mysterious friend down. Then, my paranoia began creeping in....were they left by a stranger? Were they safe to eat, or would my children suddenly come down with food poisoning or, worse, death? Was I a bad mother for not 'tracking down' the source of the muffins before allowing my children to devour them? Or were they perhaps intended for someone else, and left on our step by mistake? Fortunately, days later, my children are in glorious health (despite an unfortunate lingering case of croup which began before the muffin delivery), so my paranoia has died down, for the most part. And the muffins have been appreciated. So, muffin friend, if you are reading this, Thank You for your kindness. We're sorry we can't thank you in person, and we want you to know that your thoughtfulness has not gone unnoticed.