Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Happy Birthday, Angel!

Dear "Angel",

My sweet firstborn! I love you SO much! You are the reason I am a mother.

I still remember vividly the day I first learned of your existence! It was June 2004 and I was on break from PA school. Your father and I were visiting Grandma and Grandpa in Oregon. One day, while shopping, I told Grandma of my suspicion of a life inside me. But I'd had that same suspicion so many times before I was careful not to get my hopes up. Grandma, however, bought a pregnancy test "just in case" and urged me to take the test as soon as we got home! When we got back to Grandma and Grandpa's house, Daddy was downstairs on the computer. I ran upstairs and took the test, while Grandma waited patiently in her bedroom. As soon as I saw the line in the box, my hand started shaking and I started to cry. I couldn't believe my eyes! I ran out and showed the test to Grandma and started crying.

She hugged me and asked "Why are you crying?"
"Because I'm so scared!" I sobbed.
"It's OK!" She said. "You can do this! We'll help you! It's going to be ok. This is wonderful news!"

I composed myself and then she asked "How are you going to tell (The Mr.)?"

I didn't want to wait another minute to tell your Daddy but I wanted it to be special, so I jumped into the car and ran up to the store. I picked up a pint of Daddy's favorite ice cream (B&J NYSFC) and then walked over to the "BABY" aisle - a completely foreign section of the store to me, up to that point. As soon as I saw all the little baby toys, bottles, diapers, etc. a wave of nausea suddenly overcame me. What was I thinking, having a baby? This couldn't possibly be real...and yet, there I was. I don't know what I was looking for, but suddenly I found it - the perfect thing: a rubber duckie. Your father's favorite animal is the duck (because, as it glides through the river, the water just runs off it's back. Nothing can get a duck just steadily makes it's way through the river.) Anyway, I knew the duck would be perfect, so I grabbed it and went.

When I got home, Daddy was still on the computer (I believe he was studying for the MCAT at the time). Grandma was waiting and she ran into the kitchen to give us some privacy. I called Daddy up to the living room and, as casually as I could, said "I picked up a couple of things I thought you might like."

"What? Why? What's the occasion?" he wondered, slightly puzzled since this seemed to come out of nowhere.

"Well, I knew you'd love this," I said, handing him the ice cream, "So I got it for you. (pause) And this (holding out the duck) is for the baby." I finished, as I began to cry.

Daddy pulled me into his arms and said "What? What baby?! You're going to have a baby?!" And we stood there hugging and crying together, awestruck by the miracle of you.

The next few days were spent excitedly sharing the news with family and friends. We got Grandpa a little statue that said "World's Best Grandpa" and gave it to him at our favorite Hawaiian restaurant. We told Uncle Micah that, though he was still welcome to live with us, his room would soon become a nursery. And when we told Aunt Abbie (at the cabin), she squealed with delight and started rubbing my belly.

We couldn't think of anything else. Suddenly, our whole world - our whole existence - centered around you! We ate, breathed, slept and talked about YOU. It was wonderful. I can't remember ever having been more excited about anything in my life.

And then you were born. I didn't think it was possible for me to love someone SO much. I mean, I love your father, of course, but my love for him developed gradually, over years of time. My love for you was so strong, so instantaneous, and so powerful it almost hurt. You were more beautiful than anything I had ever seen....more precious than anything I could have imagined. Which is why we had such a difficult time naming you - no name we had ever heard seemed special enough for you. We started searching for names which meant "precious" because that's what everyone called you. And when we heard the Hawaiian word for "precious" we instantly knew it was perfect.

Now, five years later, I can't imagine my life without you. You have brought more joy to me than I ever could have dreamed. You are so sweet, so thoughtful, so considerate of others. You are very passionate with your emotions (both good and bad). You love pretty "girly" things (like dressing up, butterflies, princesses and fairies) but you also love being a "boy" with your brother (wrestling, sports, dressing in your brother's clothes). You are a born nurturer - most of your time is spent caring for your younger brother and sister or your many "babies". You love working on "projects" - painting, coloring, writing, creating - you can spend hours on this. You enjoy playing games (UNO Moo and the Ladybug game are 2 favorites) and you especially enjoy reading.

You are a treasure and I feel honored to be your mother. I hope I can live up to such a noble calling. Thank you for all that you are. I love you!

Love, Mommy

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